I envy you! Hear me out. Well, not lesbians so much, because one is usually hot while the other uses an androgynous girlman name like ‘Alex’ and looks like she just came from a day of chopping down trees and trucking freight and playing xbox, but if they are BOTH hot it’s probably some “phase” that will end after college or after they realize how essential “the D” truly is for a vaginal orgasm—but I digress.
Anyways, you guys make up only ten percent of the population! That’s 1 in ten. Almost the perfect number. It’s just enough of the population to be validated, protected and to fill concert halls when Kylie Minogue’s in town, but a small enough number to feel like you’re part of an underground club. Conformity’s boring, and I always like people who break the mold. Besides. Breeders Pshh. Like this world needs more people. Have you seen China? or Cambodia? They have so many babies that my gay uncle got two of them. For free!
I know it sucks to be gay for like, the first sixteen, seventeen or eighteen years of your life, especially if you’re in some boring shit place like Wichita, Kansas but if you’re in a metropolitan area where people are educated and have money like New York or LA or Chicago or Seattle, people could care less OR they’ll join you in celebrating your sexuality
I know it sucks BEFORE you know you’re gay, going through all the awkward shit that comes with being a teenager plus the feeling of being perpetually uncomfortable in your own skin. But once you get to college, it’s really tres uncool to be homophobic anymore, and the only people who are likely to pick on you are lacrosse players who won’t consciously accept the fact that they too are part of your ten percent club. But like you said, it’s probably more because many of you are hiding. Like sleeper cells! Secret Agent (high five)
You guys have, hands down the coolest, wittiest, most fashionable, innovative and interesting people batting for your team that straight people are just left completely in the dust. Like COME ON! Andy Warhol, Karl Lagerfeld, Neil Patrick Harris, TOM FORD, David Sedaris, the lead singer of Sigur Ros, Bill T. Jones,
Chris Crocker, Clive Barker, Franco Moschino!!! If Westboro Baptist Church is right with their awful “God Hates Fags” nonsense, then who would want to be in heaven? It probably looks like a drab New Mexico Walmart.
Once you admit you’re gay, it’s like a backstage pass to hang out with hot girls all the time, and they never second-guess undressing in front of you. And because they trust you so much they tell you all kinds of cool fabulous secrets, dirt about people, and if you guys are out having too much tequila, they’ll even hook up with you for shits and giggles then laugh about it with you the next day. You get to see SO many boobs.
And because you get VIP passes to every female on this planet, you know how fucking ANNOYING they can be, and you can bail! Sure women are beautiful, but they turn into monsters every 28 days before their vagina starts to bleed! Menstruate? grooooooss Please, that’s not likely to turn any “men straight.”
You guys make eye contact and sustain it throughout conversations about INTERESTING, meaningful subjects other than just sports sports sports pussy sports sports farts pussy sports sports sports. Straight guys are so goddamned one dimensional and BO-RING. Not you guys. Even if you’re not out there and fabulous per se, you make for really loyal friends and you always know how to cheer someone up with more than just weed and “Yeah. Sucks man.”
Also, I’ve seen your porn and you guys don’t fuck around. Falcon Studios? Top notch. Straight people are lucky to get a once-a-year trip to the backdoor on anniversaries or after purchasing something that’s at least six or seven carats, and usually the girl is just tolerating it at best. YOU guys have a male G-spot back there! That means sex for you is a win-win situation. And no having to talk about “what you’re thinking” afterwards because you’re both dudes and can just shut up and fall asleep like dudes do.
You can take our hand-holding and parental nagging about dates any time. Yes, who can deny that there’s some homophobic, occasionally even violent assholes out there. But that shit’s becoming increasingly unfashionable; now Westboro Baptist Church is just a big inbred family meme for the world to laugh at. The jokes on them because they’re sad, pale hateful people with anger in their hearts and beliefs that are patently false and will only be revealed to be so when their stupid asses die and they decompose like the rest of us. Discrimination does suck, but for now, you guys have a pass on our two worst institutions: Marriage, and the military!
The more I’m thinking about it, the more jealous of YOU I’m becoming! You guys have your own places like Castro Street and Fire Island and Rosie O’Donnell’s cruise line. Well, fuck that last one but you know what I’m saying. . Just know that the envy runs both ways! Toodles!